Letter to the publishers of the Twilight novels...

Making women crazy since 2005

Dear Sir or Madam,

I am writing to complain about how the Twilight books have destroyed my ability to get sex. Every girl I meet wants to talk about that damned Edward Cullen and isn’t interested in a living breathing sexual partner. Instead they prefer a man’s most intimate of intimates to be cold and blue.

Normally when I struggle with girls in their twenties I move to women in their forties. These women are just as bad, in fact they’re even creepier because they are confident enough to make suggestions like ‘could you dress up like Edward’, ‘will you stand near that open freezer for twenty minutes’ and ‘can I put this glitter on you’.


Because of those damned books I haven’t had intercourse in 15 months. If a real living man isn’t good enough we risk turning our women into grave robbers. Picture it: crazy women loose in graveyards making out with our dead relatives. Do you want that? Do you?

I demand you remove them from the shelves immediately and halt this wave of sexual abnormality. Or send me some vouchers – either is good.

Yours Sincerely

 F. Rustrated