Fatso gets a reality check from Tyra Banks!



This is day one of the 'Big autumn health kick'. I'm employing every diet trick I know to shift a whopping 30lbs. In addition to dieting I'm now, officially a gym bunny. I've never, in my life so far, felt quite so queer.

The boot met the derriere yesterday after I miscalculated my weight gain. Instead of seeing an extra 10 evil lbs I saw an army of 20 of the little bastards. Panic genuinely set in! It was very nearly a case of 'instant bulimia' but then, before me a vision appeared. Tyra Banks : model, tv presenter, chat show host, inventor, producer, business woman, style guru, and apparition (apparently!) If Tyra's taught us anything, it's that gut chucking to get thin is bad. (Like, seriously, you know!?) She whispered her wise words, struck a pose and told me to watch out for her next series (or 'Cycle') on Living. Feeling inspired and a little confused as to how my visions appear to be sponsored by Sky, I set about building my plan.

Out came the 'alli' weight loss pills, the free weights, the swimming shorts and the food diary iPhone app. Tyra's words echoing in my chubby ears I set off to my beloveded m&S to stock up.

My last diet was all juices, the one before that was cabbage, then before that was the alli programme (I diet a lot). I had decided on alli again as my weapon of choice. So I stocked up on the permitted foods and thigh chafed my way back home fantasising about how slim I'll be at my Brother's wedding.

After an induction at the Gym I was ready and roaring to pump iron. Me, little, tiny me... Pumping Iron! I am sick to death of the jiggle on my chest so I got working my Moobs big time. I didn't feel the burn at the time but I sure as hell do now. The piece of equipment I love is the Cross Trainer (or Elliptical trainer as Americans know it, hello American readers!!) I did an easy 20 minutes on there watching a cooking show on the TV screens. I was literally thinking to myself 'mmm... that pizza looks good - I must make that when I get... NOOO ROBERT... FOOD IS BAD!!!'

After a good session working muscles I thought had emigrated long ago, I was presented with my pass. The clouds parted, I was suddenly bathed in a shaft of golden light and a choir went 'ahhh'. As I held the card in my hand I felt I had finally arrived.

Food wise it's all terribly complicated. I eat a pill with every meal and then record in minute detail the calories, fat, saturated fat, fibre, carbs (blah, blah, blah) into a food diary app. I'm going to become a nutrition bore talking non stop about how many calories are in a prawn sandwich or a cinnamon swirl.
But, if any one has really tried to lose some serious weight they know how much true commitment it takes.

Putting fingers-to-keyboard today I wondered how to enable and maintain a life change? People who go from sloth to sleek have to change so much of their routine. Do the ultimately change who they are? If I become a toned sex-pot will I become vacuous and shallow?

Hell Yeah!
Looking forward to it!

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