Today I should be calling businesses in the hope of selling a crappy e-newsletter sponsorship. Knowing that the only person dumb enough to say ‘yes’ would have to have had a full frontal lobotomy performed by a spastic at the wheels of a JCB. Sadly, this type of client is few and far between so rather than try I decided my day would be better spent entering lots of competitions on Twitter.
In my pursuit of twitter glory I learned there are certain rules you must abide by if you wish to win. Here is my Guide to winning competitions on twitter.
- Firstly, you must react fast. Sometimes the competitions are time sensitive so you cannot be hindered by slow downloads or sluggish uploads. I advise that you avoid electro-magnetic fields which are proven to delay electrical impulses by hundredths of a millisecond. In addition to stepping away from the TV, Radio or the Rampant Rabbit you will need to wear natural fibres. Man made fibres collect static which can be also be hazardous to the speed of any winning transmissions.
- Secondly, you need to find women who tweet about cat’s and follow them. These are exactly the kind of people who are likely to follow ‘Whiskers’, ‘Tena Lady’ and ‘Dairy Milk’. When they start Tweeting frenetically about some such shit product then you know it’s time to enter the competition and deny some sad slag of her reason for living.
- Finally, you should make sure your twitter picture has your looking ‘Edgy’, ‘Bohemian’, ‘Scenester’ and ‘Shoreditch’. Given many Social Media Marketing Types are twats this will appeal to their shallow, vacuous small minds. When taking picture be sure not to smile as smiling will anger the SMMT who is more accustomed to pouting and desperately trying to look cool while reading chick lit wrapped in a Voltaire cover.
I hope these three pearls of wisdom put you on the path to winning all the crap your heart desires. By the end of this week you could have in your possession a £3 voucher for Euro Disney, a TOWIE signed calendar or a full month’s supply of heavy flow Lillets.