New Autumn winter 2012 Fashion Rules

While trawling the vintage shops of Shoreditch I uncovered the key trends for autumn/winter 2012. Read on and discover what you need to wear in the coming months if you wish to retain credibility amongst your fashion forward friends and colleagues.

Prison orange colour blocking

Kim Kardashion has taken a break from being a dirty slut from a family of fame hungry whores. The memory of a sex video has long since been replaced instead by hundreds of images of her posing like a greased up oversexed baby seal. I digress... Remember her (deceased) lawyer father who famously defended OJ Simpson for that double murder. The racism defence was born and America lost 100 years of civil advancements in the blink of one jury verdict; a proud day. This last detail is being cleverly subverted by Kim when she decided to make prison orange a la mode. She's a fashion genius subverting her family connections to the darkest side of American celebrity by wearing the brightest symbol of oppression. The orange prison jumpsuit; an A/W12 essential.

80's space cadet

Retro future fashion was so 80s and 80s are so now, so 80s retro future fashion is a recurring Teenies trend. For A/W12 this is specifically 'space cadet' drawing on the volunteer London vibe set in the summer. If it sounds like designers and fashion writers make it all up as they go along then you're a philistine. It's a precise, proper dead clever science thingy. Or else why would these people go to school, right? Anyway, check out the picture and think how silly you'll look if you're the only single mum in Asda not wearing silver hotpants with a ray-gun holster.

Quadruple denim

Double denim in a pair-some or a lonesome in memory of our modern day Liz Taylor and whassisface? You know 'Brustin' or was it 'jitney'. Britney Spears and Justin Timberlake. That's them. Denim crusaders and so ahead of their time. This trend (unlike the doomed romance) is back and 'One more time' you can feel so 'lucky' getting a chance to bring 'sexy back'.

See the mini gallery for all the lovely ways you too can pay homage to the greatest love affair of our age.

Relative skin

In an enviro-conscious age Fashion keeps pace. With Stella Macartney's prehistoric father still hanging on in at the fringes of what we call 'alive', the debate about what to do with old knackered leather is more relevant than ever. Stella's solution is to make corpse couture from your nearest and dearest.

Rumours are that the pieces pictured were made with spare Daddy Macartney skin after his last neck lift.

The 'Ian' look.

Not since Pat Butcher's ear bling has EastEnders been able to claim sartorial relevance. But now there's a new kid sleeping rough on the block and he just put the 'eek' back into chic. Albert square mainstay, Ian Beale was described by Marc Jacobs as 'a breath of stale, rancid air' and 'the new body ideal for men'. Hobo haute Couture hasn't been this hot since one of the Olsen twins did smack wearing a Parker. The look can be accessorised by 'piss stains', 'bruises with small cuts' and 'card board signs'.

Leering from behind trees is optional.

Crochet Cool

Now fashion consumers are outwitting fashion leaders by learning to knit. The fashion elite have cleverly made wool and knitted clothes passé (The memo will be delivered later this week). But wool is an essential winter staple and a replacement had to be found. As most people in the fashion industry have little to no body fat the winter time can be tough so a substitute, preferably designer, body fat replacement needs to be sourced. Crocheting has yet to be mastered by fashionistas unlike the passé act of knitting. So therefore it can still be sold to them enriching the fashion elite. Hurrah for innovation! Thoughtfully the fasion elite are kind folk insuring their skinny consumers are safe from developing pneumonia. Future trend alert: Pneumonia is expected to be a big A/W 2013 trend if consumers learn to crochet.

Trouser Shorts
Fashion is fickle and designers are reactionary. These two statements of certain, god-given, unquestionable fact mean that a trend today will be toppled by an equal and opposite fashion trend tomorrow. Short-shorts favored by haute couture fashionista Joey Essex will be replaced, as sure as Lagerfeld will offend Fatties, buy long shorts. Shorts that are in essence 'trousers'. But not trousers. Very trouser-like shorts. But not trousers, ok? Understood? Good. They will be de-rigeur and an absolute must have in November. Failure to comply will result in enforced social isolation and maybe even government sanctioned torture.

Fashion 'rules' are fashion 'laws' in A/W 2012.

Be sure to be on the right side of the law.