Now that your self esteem is at an all time low I, like thousands of glossy magazines before me, will flog you a novelty diet to help you look like the unrealistic ideal self image you have fixed in your minds eye.
So here it is:-
Robert's Mega Good Guide to Drinking Yourself Skinny!
Sweet Red Russian
Let's start with something simple. I read somewhere that cranberries are good for something and Mary Poppins said a spoonful of sugar was good (with medicine) so mix the white stuff into the cranberry juice and then add crap loads of vodka. Easy.
Taste rating: Tooth decay never tasted so good.
Expected weight loss: 16lbs an hour
Bonus: Might ease vaginal thrush
Bean Going Crazy
Coffee brings the walking dead back to life so this drink is a certain winner. Make an espresso and let it cool on the side while you get to it. Martini glasses are for wimps so grab a pint glass and pour generously vodka, gin, martini and kahlua. Ideally served cold but who has time for ice! Bung in the espresso and neck it.
Taste rating: If 'death' came in a flavour
Expected weight loss: A kidney a week
Bonus: You can recycle your wee into fuel.
A Bankers Bevvy
Rich, famous people are usually thin (except Kim Kardashion who looks like she's smuggling bean bags in her butt cheeks) and they drink champagne so this one is a no-brainer. Get some £2945 champagne from your local Fortnum and Masons and then pour into a platinum bucket. Add Chambord and diamonds and drink the whole lot through a crystal straw. Best served with sunshine and a private yacht.
Taste rating: Utterly tasteless but too rich to care
Expected weight loss: Huge, mainly from Wallet.
Bonus: You might choke to death on the diamonds.
The Blood Shake
When you're sick Berocca and chicken soup help, right? Yeah, you know where this is going. Get a chicken Cup-a-soup and a Berocca and drop them into a pint glass. Add red wine and stir until the mixture looks like bubbling blood clots. Add some white spirit and mint leaves for taste.
Taste rating: Ask a cannibal
Expected weight loss: All of it
Bonus: After this, a zombie apocalypse wouldn't be a big deal