New Christmas Party Liquid Diet Plan: It Really works!

With Christmas parties approaching every civilised member of society is now weighed down with worry: What to wear? Well, this is a question I'm going to 'skirt' around (see what I did there) and direct your attention to the the fact you could wear anything if you we're super skinny! But you're not you're a fatty-bum-bum! So don't worry about the outfit, just worry about your weight instead!

Now that your self esteem is at an all time low I, like thousands of glossy magazines before me, will flog you a novelty diet to help you look like the unrealistic ideal self image you have fixed in your minds eye.

So here it is:-

Robert's Mega Good Guide to Drinking Yourself Skinny!

Sweet Red Russian
Let's start with something simple. I read somewhere that cranberries are good for something and Mary Poppins said a spoonful of sugar was good (with medicine) so mix the white stuff into the cranberry juice and then add crap loads of vodka. Easy.
 Taste rating: Tooth decay never tasted so good.
  Expected weight loss: 16lbs an hour
   Bonus: Might ease vaginal thrush

Bean Going Crazy
Coffee brings the walking dead back to life so this drink is a certain winner. Make an espresso and let it cool on the side while you get to it. Martini glasses are for wimps so grab a pint glass and pour generously vodka, gin, martini and kahlua. Ideally served cold but who has time for ice! Bung in the espresso and neck it.
 Taste rating: If 'death' came in a flavour
  Expected weight loss: A kidney a week
   Bonus: You can recycle your wee into fuel.

A Bankers Bevvy

Rich, famous people are usually thin (except Kim Kardashion who looks like she's smuggling bean bags in her butt cheeks) and they drink champagne so this one is a no-brainer. Get some £2945 champagne from your local Fortnum and Masons and then pour into a platinum bucket. Add Chambord and diamonds and drink the whole lot through a crystal straw. Best served with sunshine and a private yacht.
 Taste rating: Utterly tasteless but too rich to care
  Expected weight loss: Huge, mainly from Wallet.
   Bonus: You might choke to death on the diamonds.

The Blood Shake
When you're sick Berocca and chicken soup help, right? Yeah, you know where this is going. Get a chicken Cup-a-soup and a Berocca and drop them into a pint glass. Add red wine and stir until the mixture looks like bubbling blood clots. Add some white spirit and mint leaves for taste.
 Taste rating: Ask a cannibal
  Expected weight loss: All of it
   Bonus: After this, a zombie apocalypse wouldn't be a big deal